TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it might have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical advancement-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Yes, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're speaking Damascus, town historically known for historical tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be large. Incredible!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed within the putting eco-friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've had attractive ceasefires in Syria. A number of the most effective. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and completely away from put. Designed by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A a few-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour till the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable water. But Indeed, certain, let us have Yet another position where American Males can use robes and contact it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When preceding negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: offer Absolutely everyone a collection over the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be comfortable electric power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in Each individual unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire observed, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a war zone. It truly is that he need to stop employing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regard to the task, replied, "You know, male, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Very good individuals. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit from the Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the lodge's landscaping types a large Trump head obvious from House, a aspect currently being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents plus the chin is… well, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits right after finding the setting up's Trump Tower Damascus gold plating mirrored much sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.


"It really is not simply unappealing. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Puzzling Capabilities


Probably the strangest aspect of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium where attendees may contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, total with climate Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Community Syrians are Doubtful what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Method: "For those who Bomb It, They can Come"


The advert campaign, not long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Eternally."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "exactly where's the nearest elevator to your West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is presently attracting notice from Global investors, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll buy a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial amount will also consist of:




  • A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Based on the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait to determine a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a lodge in which my PTSD might have turn-down support."


One more post from @KuwaitiKardashian only asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Studies counsel:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to construct a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Last Thoughts with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It desired gold. It needed a waterslide formed such as the Constitution. I gave everything 3. You're welcome."

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